Assembly on Mental Health:
As we have learned, the theme for this week is mental health.
For many young men, especially if they are brought up in conservative homes and attend traditional schools like this one, with its emphasis on team sports and rugged individualism, they grow up believing that they at all times need to be robust, psychologically resilient and mentally strong. They believe that they are expected to at all times be “tough”. They believe that toughness and the ability to silently and stoically endure hardship are the prices of entry to their fellowship and friendship, and to their own special “tribe”. It is what they expect of themselves and of each other.
Tragically, this expectation to be TOUGH is also the driver of the stigma that keeps them silent, when they could and should be talking about their problems. We really ought to know better by now, but the truth remains; in today’s world, including here at KZN’s oldest and proudest boys’ school, “cowboys still don’t cry”. Which is why, in the worst cases, they still DIE, literally, and often in circumstances where they could have been saved had they only spoken up.
Literature shows that metaphorical “cowboys”, who prize toughness and stoicism, are at high risk of burnout, often simply because they don’t know their own limits. They keep pushing down on that metaphorical accelerator. They push themselves beyond breaking point. They dig deeper, try harder and ignore the warning signs. They turn a blind eye to that inner metaphorical red light warning them that a breakdown is imminent. The stigma of being perceived as weak keeps them silent – all too often, until it is too late.
When I was a young man in my 20s and 30s, overwhelmingly the killer of my peers from high school and university was road accidents. These days, as I ponder the deaths of too many young Old Collegians over the last 20 years, the spectre of suicide looms large amongst the young boys from this school whose lives were tragically cut all too short.
Let us speak frankly, gentlemen: there are 4.6 male suicides for every female suicide, and the means employed by men are usually violent, taking the form of hanging and the use of firearms.
Men (and women) who subscribe to the view that “cowboys don’t cry” often tune out to their inner selves, often to the point of becoming emotionally unavailable to their partners, and to their family and friends around them. When they get together with other so-called cowboys, they often entrench toxic stereotypes, often by laughing at those who were recently among them but who fell over and are now stigmatised as “weak”.
And think carefully of how you interact with your own friends – in your quadrangles, at break, at sports practice, and in the dorms of our boarding houses. Subconsciously, all these individuals share the fear that the same thing could happen to them. And they fear the accompanying stigma even more! In many cases, they are good, strong men. However, this does not necessarily make them supportive partners, loyal friends or good fathers. These well-meaning but misguided men, when they become dads, teach their own sons that it is their lot in life to be tough, at all costs. “Be a man!” and “Man up!” are their toxic catch cries.
Here at College, we teach you to be robust, to be competitive, and to show resilience. But NEVER at all costs. We also want you to be want you to be kind and tolerant – especially to each other and, most importantly, to yourselves.
As you get older, young men, you will learn to realise that all men have a responsibility to their children, to their loved ones and to each other. Many of us – including many of you young men – need to take ownership of a real weakness that lurks within us, namely this addiction to keeping up a front that makes us appear strong at all costs. We need to learn to tune IN, rather than tune OUT – to our own needs, and to the needs of our friends around us:
- To our friends in the staffroom, to our family and friends who surround us, and especially (in your case) to your College BROTHERS – in your classrooms, in your quads and in your dormitories.
None of us is bullet proof, so let’s not pretend that we are.
Young men, the world (including the Maritzburg College of today) does not need you to be that mythical cowboy – a grim-faced gunslinger, silently and stoically protecting his ranch and his family from marauding bandits on the wild frontier. We most certainly want you to learn at this school to be determined, and to show courage and resilience – but never to the point that it harms you or the people around you.
In short, gentlemen, you are never alone. At this school, where we prize camaraderie, unity and brotherhood above all else, there are always people willing to listen. Look after yourselves, boys – and look after your friends too.
(Reference: “Cowboys don’t cry, but they should”, www.news24.com)